Christmas Day 2012 brought me some tears. Unexpectedly. Or maybe I should have expected it. I felt pushed aside. Not by the people close to me, but by those somewhat further away. Family. Some should be close family, but they are not. Not anymore. Yes, I have pushed them aside too. I can live my life without them. I have to. I have pushed them aside as an act of self defense. I have long ago noticed that I am not as important to them as they are to me. Because that hurt too much, I started to back away from them. I put some distance between them and me. I concentrated on my close circle – my Husband, my kids, my mom. I do not find it too difficult to keep the distance between me and those family members.
Until it’s Christmas…
Is this why I have come to resent Christmas time? Because it puts me in a reflective mode? Because I long to hear from those who obviously do not long to hear from me? Every year I send them Christmas and New Year’s messages. This year with Christmas I sent nothing. I wanted to see who might think of me.
No one did.
I kept my cool all day, not showing that I felt hurt, until we talked about how short life is and about the reality of death. It as unrelated to my thoughts of those family members, but I cried. No one knew why I really cried. Yes, I cried because I did not want to think about death. But I also cried because I hurt from not hearing from those I thought would at least remember me on Christmas Day.
It left me feeling needy.
I wanted to feel.
I needed to feel my collar around my neck. I wanted to feel it because it symbolizes that I belong to Him. That he wants me. That he loves me. That he claims me. That he will never push me aside.
I know this sounds so weak and whiny, but I needed it. On Christmas night all I wanted was to feel my collar around my neck and His arm around me.
And I did.
It made me feel loved. Wanted. Safe.
I was where I belong.
© Rebel’s Notes