Kink Shame & Pride: Being bisexual

This post is a continuance of the Kink Shame & Pride that started with a post of Emily at I Like Chocolate, He Likes Vanilla. Feel free to join in with your own thoughts, as a post on your own blog or commenting on this or other ‘Kink Shame’ posts. Or become a member of the Fetlife group and start/join discussions.


The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday is ‘sexuality’.

The Bisexual Umbrella (click to enlarge)

As you can see in the image above, there are many different kinds of sexuality. If I had made the above image, I might have added more kinds of sexuality and might not have called it The Bisexual Umbrella, but this post is not about that. This post is about my identifying as being bisexual.

For many years I have been ashamed to admit that I am bisexual. In my early teens I have noticed that I was attracted to boys and girls. As mentioned before, I grew up in a very conservative community, where anything out of the normal was viewed upon negatively. This caused me to be ashamed whenever I felt an attraction for another girl. I pushed the thoughts and feelings away, telling myself that they were not allowed. Sometimes, for years, I could deny my bisexual nature, but somehow I always returned to it again. In my early twenties I felt attraction for another woman again. Yet again I pushed it away. I concentrated on a new relationship with a younger man and denied my bisexuality. When unexpectedly and sadly the relationship with the younger man came to an end, I was so fed-up with men, that I decided to concentrate on being with women.

My first ever bisexual encounter was with a married couple. There will come a time when I will tell that story here on my blog too – how the relationship started, the course of the relationship and how it ended. For now I withstand with minimal facts about that relationship. In my first bisexual encounter I felt and was a terrible novice. Where I knew exactly how I liked to be pleasured, I found it difficult to be with her at first. But over the course of the weeks to follow, I felt more comfortable. After about three months of being with them frequently, I started to realize that she was not bisexual at all. Yes, she said that she was, but as I got to know them and their marriage better, I realized that there was only one reason why she was willing to be with me. It was a way for her to keep her husband. He used to fuck around, but got tired of chasing around for women all over town. So he decided that she should be bisexual and then he could fuck the women that he chose for her. And what did she do? Yes, she acted as being bisexual but her heart was not in it.

Learning this of her, I started to doubt myself again. Was I really bisexual? Or was being bisexual just something you did when you cannot have a proper relationship with the opposite sex? It took a while before I could end the relationship and then, very immature, I decided that I will never “be bisexual again”. Talk about going against your true nature…

That decision came at the end of my twenties. But only months later I was in a relationship with a man again and I told him that I was bisexual. I guess it should have been a positive thing for me, admitting this without feeling shame, but it was not. He acted exactly as the married man did. He saw it as a way in which he could fuck other women. Thankfully, he never went out to find me women and since he acted that way, I never went out to find myself a girlfriend either. Our relationship lasted for almost two years. The next time I was in a serious relationship, I mentioned that I had bisexual feeling, but that I don’t want to act on them. I closed that door even before it could be opened. I just denied who I was. I felt ashamed of who I was, because apparently it just was not normal.

As time passed by I realized that I just could not deny who I truly was. And then I met Master T. I told Him that I had bisexual feelings and never once did He see this as a way for Him to fuck other women. In fact, He has always said, from day 1, that He would love to see another man or woman fucking me, but that He only wants to fuck me. He does not desire to fuck any other woman (stay tuned, as this might change in future). By accepting me the way I am, he taught me that I do not have to be ashamed of my bisexual feelings. With Him I was not ashamed of them, but with others I were.

You see, I have written and self-published a book about the relationship I had with the married couple. Some people – such as my best friend and a colleague-friend – read the book. I knew that my best friend would not see me differently after she had read the book. But I feared that the colleague-friend might. She did not. She just accepted that my bisexuality was part of who I am. And then something happened that I had feared deeply. My oldest daughter stumbled across the book. When she told me that she was already halfway through it, I really feared her reaction. For nothing. She just accepted it – accepted that her mother is bisexual. No, she did not speak to me about it, but wrote me a beautiful poem. Not a word was said about it. She never asked me if I have been or want to be with a woman again. She just accepted that it was part of my nature. I guess this means I could be able to tell her about my kinky lifestyle, but that of course is a totally different story…

It took me some time – years actually – to grow to the point where I have embraced my bisexuality. So many years I have been ashamed of it, but now it is just as part of me as being Master T.’s wife.

© Rebel’s Notes

The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday was #sexuality.
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14 thoughts on “Kink Shame & Pride: Being bisexual

  1. Kinquie says:

    Dear Rebel (with a cause),

    What a wonderful reaction of your daughter. It must have made you prouder of her than ever (if possible). Such a caring and affectionate reaction: not talking about it, no questions, just respect an d love. Great! Especially when you bear in mind that children are not really pleased to learn about the sexual life of their parents. At least, being well grown up myself, I find it very hard and not too pleasant to think about my parents as sexual beings.

    Bisexuality. Problematic, as becomes clear in your blog. Personally I don’t have any problem with it. But that’s easy, because I’m bisexual too, up to a certain degree. But, having read your blog, I started to think about how I would react if my wife told me she was bisexual and was having sex with a woman or women. To be frank, I’m not sure how I would react. My first impulse – here and now – is: no problem, do as you please, you only live once, enjoy, make the most of it. But I’m not sure that I could practice what I preach. Maybe I would be jealous, maybe I would be afraid to lose her, surely it would make me feel uncertain: what am I doing wrong?

    I guess lots of men do have serious problems with bisexuality. Of course, in the pub they boast that it would be fun if the wife brought a girlfriend home: screw them both! But I guess many men would have the same hang-ups and fears as described above. An d furthermore I think that bisexuality amongst men is far more widely spread than my brothers would ever dare to admit! And amongst women as well. Image a scale from 0 to 100. Zero is 100% heterosexual and 100 totally gay, whilst 50 is the perfect bisexual. I’m convinced that you find most men (75%) (I can’t speak for women) between a score of 25 till 75. So a rather small percentage is either basically hetero- or homosexual.
    I’ve got a test to prove that. When it comes to watch porn, men who are really profoundly heterosexual like to watch ‘lesbian’ movies. And the more men are tending to be 50/50 they like to watch movies with lots of penises in full close ups.

    But I do think as well that lots of men can’t handle bisexuality. Neither for themselves, nor for their partners. For the latter, see above. For the first: bi/homosexuality is such an enormous issue. You rather deny it and suffer, than take the risk of being exposed as a fucking poof, queer, mietje, poot, or whatever.

    You have had your share in your life in this respect , but finally you’ve come to peace with it. Good for you! And good for Hubby (if I may call him so). Or: came to peace, finally you dare to enjoy this lovely expansion of your personality. And why not? People are beautiful (most of them), men are beautiful, women are beautiful There’s so much to explore, so much to enjoy, so much to make you wanna sing and dance. I have a vivid memory of the first time I made love with my best male friend. It felt like coming home. Of course, it was horny, exiting, etc. But the immense pride I felt! I think you recognize what I say.

    I don’t have children. I can imagine what you feared and felt concerning your book and your daughter having read it, but I couldn’t possibly feel what your fear was like. It must have been such an enormous relief to you how she reacted. I’m done with writing now and I’m going to poor me another glass of whisky now. To your health, dear Rebel.

    • Thanks again, Kinquie for your thought provoking comment, and something I might use in yet another blog post. Your comments always spark new ideas with me and I like that!

      Rebel xox

      • Kinquie says:

        It works the same way for me. I find your writings most inspiring! For that reason I have put your button on the homepage of my website. I hope that many more people find the way to your website.

        Kinquie

  2. The dark side of swinging no one talks about is that women are pushed into saying they are bi, and men pashed to say they are straight in order to fit in with very hetronormative views of the world, You write wonderfully of how this is damaging and dishonest,

    I am so glad u have learnt to accept that who you desire is not a bad thing, I always knew I liked women, if I had ever had to pretend I did not I think that would have caused me so much pain.

    • It caused me a lot of pain to acknowledge that I like woman and it caused me a lot of pain to deny it. I have gone through hell back then, but have eventually learned to accept myself the way I am, and that was with the help of Master T. He has taught me to just be myself, encouraged it. It is so sad that there are still so many people out there who have to deny to themselves who they really are. So sad!

      Rebel xox

  3. It is so sad that so many of us have repressed this part of us for various different reasons. Maybe someone might read one of these posts today and it will help to be more comfortable with who they are…. with ALL that they are.

    Mollyxxx

  4. Mia says:

    Hiding is really not good for the soul is it… I am so happy that you can finally be yourself safe in the knowledge that you have a man who is your husband, your friend, your soulmate, your Master and your lover and who understands you so well and is strong in himself to allow you to explore where and as you need to.

    Hurray for finally finding these wonderful men to share and explore our needs!

    ~Mia~ xx

  5. It is always sad when you finally reveal yourself to a person and they completly twist it. I once told a boyfriend I wanted to be with a woman and he went a slept with another woman. Gee thanks! This story hits so close to home. I am happy it had a happy ending for you and Master T. It sucks as women we will hide our real selves for a long time!

    • Indeed, I have hidden my sexual self from many, until I met Master T. I know He will never ever take advantage of me or harm me in any way, no matter what my sexual nature is.

      Rebel xox

  6. Taz knows of my bisexual nature but never wanted to exploit it, thank goodness. Bis had definitely exploited it, as he had a huge sexual appetite that was never sated.

    I still don’t mention my sexual nature to most people, as I feel that it’s none of their business, but I do advocate tolerance when it comes up in conversation.

    ~Kazi xxx

    • I too advocate tolerance when it comes up in a conversation, but I tend to be more open about my sexuality, especially when it comes up in a conversation. After what happened to me I will never again be forced into something I do not want to do.

      Rebel xox

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