This post is a continuance of the Kink Shame & Pride that started with a post of Emily at I Like Chocolate, He Likes Vanilla. Feel free to join in with your own thoughts, as a post on your own blog or commenting on this or other ‘Kink Shame’ posts. Or become a member of the Fetlife group and start/join discussions.
The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday is ‘sexuality’.
As you can see in the image above, there are many different kinds of sexuality. If I had made the above image, I might have added more kinds of sexuality and might not have called it The Bisexual Umbrella, but this post is not about that. This post is about my identifying as being bisexual.
For many years I have been ashamed to admit that I am bisexual. In my early teens I have noticed that I was attracted to boys and girls. As mentioned before, I grew up in a very conservative community, where anything out of the normal was viewed upon negatively. This caused me to be ashamed whenever I felt an attraction for another girl. I pushed the thoughts and feelings away, telling myself that they were not allowed. Sometimes, for years, I could deny my bisexual nature, but somehow I always returned to it again. In my early twenties I felt attraction for another woman again. Yet again I pushed it away. I concentrated on a new relationship with a younger man and denied my bisexuality. When unexpectedly and sadly the relationship with the younger man came to an end, I was so fed-up with men, that I decided to concentrate on being with women.
My first ever bisexual encounter was with a married couple. There will come a time when I will tell that story here on my blog too – how the relationship started, the course of the relationship and how it ended. For now I withstand with minimal facts about that relationship. In my first bisexual encounter I felt and was a terrible novice. Where I knew exactly how I liked to be pleasured, I found it difficult to be with her at first. But over the course of the weeks to follow, I felt more comfortable. After about three months of being with them frequently, I started to realize that she was not bisexual at all. Yes, she said that she was, but as I got to know them and their marriage better, I realized that there was only one reason why she was willing to be with me. It was a way for her to keep her husband. He used to fuck around, but got tired of chasing around for women all over town. So he decided that she should be bisexual and then he could fuck the women that he chose for her. And what did she do? Yes, she acted as being bisexual but her heart was not in it.
Learning this of her, I started to doubt myself again. Was I really bisexual? Or was being bisexual just something you did when you cannot have a proper relationship with the opposite sex? It took a while before I could end the relationship and then, very immature, I decided that I will never “be bisexual again”. Talk about going against your true nature…
That decision came at the end of my twenties. But only months later I was in a relationship with a man again and I told him that I was bisexual. I guess it should have been a positive thing for me, admitting this without feeling shame, but it was not. He acted exactly as the married man did. He saw it as a way in which he could fuck other women. Thankfully, he never went out to find me women and since he acted that way, I never went out to find myself a girlfriend either. Our relationship lasted for almost two years. The next time I was in a serious relationship, I mentioned that I had bisexual feeling, but that I don’t want to act on them. I closed that door even before it could be opened. I just denied who I was. I felt ashamed of who I was, because apparently it just was not normal.
As time passed by I realized that I just could not deny who I truly was. And then I met Master T. I told Him that I had bisexual feelings and never once did He see this as a way for Him to fuck other women. In fact, He has always said, from day 1, that He would love to see another man or woman fucking me, but that He only wants to fuck me. He does not desire to fuck any other woman (stay tuned, as this might change in future). By accepting me the way I am, he taught me that I do not have to be ashamed of my bisexual feelings. With Him I was not ashamed of them, but with others I were.
You see, I have written and self-published a book about the relationship I had with the married couple. Some people – such as my best friend and a colleague-friend – read the book. I knew that my best friend would not see me differently after she had read the book. But I feared that the colleague-friend might. She did not. She just accepted that my bisexuality was part of who I am. And then something happened that I had feared deeply. My oldest daughter stumbled across the book. When she told me that she was already halfway through it, I really feared her reaction. For nothing. She just accepted it – accepted that her mother is bisexual. No, she did not speak to me about it, but wrote me a beautiful poem. Not a word was said about it. She never asked me if I have been or want to be with a woman again. She just accepted that it was part of my nature. I guess this means I could be able to tell her about my kinky lifestyle, but that of course is a totally different story…
It took me some time – years actually – to grow to the point where I have embraced my bisexuality. So many years I have been ashamed of it, but now it is just as part of me as being Master T.’s wife.
© Rebel’s Notes
The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday was #sexuality.
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