Continued from… Day 23
What are the emotions that most directly let you access submission? What feelings do they inspire?
I have never really thought about this. To be honest, I have searched the Internet to see whether I could get some kind of angle in which I could answer these questions. It did help, because the moment I realized how to interpret these questions, I had my answer.
The one emotion that directly let me access my submission is the feelings of intense love and understanding between Master T. and me. I can see us sitting in the lounge – Him in His chair and me on the couch or laying side by side in bed. We are talking or watching television, but we are in the same frame of mind and happy to just be together. Then it happens. He looks at me and I feel my love for Him surging through my veins and in His eyes I see the same. I understand how He feels, because it’s written in His eyes. It is in those moments of understanding that I am like putty in His hands. In those moments He can do anything to me if He wants to. I feel the urge to want to kneel at His feet. I want to bow my head and wait for Him to decide what He wants to do to me. I want Him to demand my utter obedience, to love me, to hurt me, to touch me softly, to inflict pain.
Feeling this bond of closeness between the two of us, awakens a need deep inside me. In those moments I have to guard myself not to go into a needy mode where I make myself unhappy because the things in my mind do not match up with the things Master T. does. I know I have to be patient, but I have come to know – and luckily Master T. knows this too – that I can get very impatient. His deciding to train me to be patient had a reason. And truth is, circumstances are not always ideal for starting anything when I feel the need arise to submit.
And sometimes circumstances are semi-perfect or even perfect, and there were times when I did not act on those intense feelings. When I had the feeling that I wanted to kneel in front of Master T. I did not do it. I was afraid that He might think that I am acting foolishly. Something else held me back too. I have difficulty taking the initiative. But I am slowly starting to learn to either just sit at His feet or kneel in front of Him when I feel the urge. And something else I am learning is to ask Him whether I can do it. That way He knows what I am feeling and He can decide whether I can do it or not.
When I feel this urge to submit myself to Him, I sometimes feel restless and sometimes I feel at peace. Sometimes I want Him to immediately take control of me and to submit myself to His every wish. Other times I feel peace running through my core, knowing that I am all His, that I belong to Him, that He loves me just the way I am.
My submission is a gift to both Him and me. It has set me free…
To be continued… Day 25
© Rebel’s Notes