Pride & Shame

Last week Emily of I Like Chocolate, He Likes Vanilla posted a fantasy called The Punishment. This fantasy involved several things that could be hard limits to many people and Emily put a warning at the top of her post. I admit, when reading it, there were things in there that I definitely would never do (yes, hard limits) but the general idea of being humiliated and to submit definitely excited me.

As a reaction to the shame Emily felt for writing this fantasy, Molly of Mollysdailykiss wrote her an open letter, called No Shame. And as a reaction to that, Emily responded with her own open letter, Kink Shame.

As happens with many posts that I read, I questioned myself about the subject. This time, I questioned myself about shame. Do I feel ashamed of my kinks? A blog post started forming in my head, but as it happens some times, I have to swirl the thoughts around until they make proper sentences. I decided to combine these thoughts with a saved prompt from the Submissive guide:

You have the right to be proud of what you are. Being a submissive is nothing that should ever bring you shame or feelings of reproach. Your submissive nature is a gift and should always be a source of pride and happiness.

 

Am I proud of being a submissive? Yes, I am.
Do I talk about it openly? No, I don’t.
Would I want to talk about it openly? Yes, I would, but I also know that most of the people I would like to talk to it about, would disapprove of my lifestyle choice.
What would I do if those people find out about my lifestyle? I will ask them to respect me for my choices, the way I respect them for theirs.

These are all questions I asked myself. But of course, the posts of Emily and Molly were about shame. Shame about your own kinks. Have I ever felt shame about one of my kinks? Yes, I have. When I first discovered anal sex, I was very fixated on it and played whenever I could, but mostly when I was alone. Why alone? Indeed, because I was ashamed of my fixation on anal play. This shame was part of me for a very long time. In the first years of our relationship, we had periods where Master T. would frequently finger my ass to bring me to orgasm. After several times I would hint for Him to not concentrate on my ass anymore. Why? Because I was ashamed of enjoying it too much. And once my craving for anal stimulation was so intense, I started hinting at it again. I just could not be without it and gradually I accepted it, up to the point that I declared myself to be an anal slut. Master T. frequently calls me one, which has made this shame disappear entirely.

Do I have other kinks that I am ashamed of? In the beginning of this year I discovered that I like pain, to a certain extent. However, I have never been ashamed of this. It was such a nice discovery and it was made together with Master T. who I could see loved the fact that I enjoyed the pain that He was inflicting on me. I know, just like Molly, I have also asked myself whether something might be wrong with me, since I want Master T. to spank me or use the flogger/cane on me; I want Him to hurt me; I want to lay down at His feet and stay there all night; I want to wear His collar all the time, feeling His dominance and my submission. Certainly wanting all this must be wrong, but then again, if it makes me happy, how can it be wrong? I have never stopped to think about these questions too much, because Master T. enjoys this just as much as I do and if there is one completely sane person in my life, it is Him. Yes, with a twisted mind, but definitely sane.

Like Emily, I look back on my childhood and know that sex has interested me from a very young age. A huge smile covered my face when I read about her swinging off door handles and rubbing the edge between her legs. I did the same, as well as sitting in the window sill and pressing the cold iron of the window frame against my pussy. I never knew why I did it, but I definitely enjoyed the feeling. And just like Emily, I knew should not be caught! I loved to be touched and groped in my teenage years – the more the better. And once I started having sex, I wanted it all the time. There were times when I thought of myself as a terrible slut, because I had two sex partners in the same week. Actually, coming to think of it, this is another shame that Master T. has helped me with. Back in the time before we officially started our relationship, but we saw each other whenever it was possible and we had sex, I would come to Him after a date, wanting to be fucked because I was not yet satisfied. He never judged me for this. We loved each other from the word go, but neither of us was ready for a serious relationship. He set me free and all He wanted was for me to tell Him everything I did, even if it was about me having sex with another man. I shared everything with Him and He never disapproved of my actions.

I guess I can ask myself the same kind of questions about my kinks, than I asked myself about my submission:
Am I proud of my kinks? I guess I am. Maybe proud is the wrong word. I have accepted my kinks to be part of who I am.
Do I talk about my kinks openly? Definitely not!
Would I want to talk about it openly? I can talk about it to Master T., but I don’t think I would easily discuss it with someone else. Maybe I would discuss it face to face with someone who is willing to discuss their kinks openly too, but it would definitely depend on the situation.
What would I do if vanilla people or family members find out about my kinks? Exactly the same as I would do when they find out about my submission to Master T.: I will ask them to respect me for my choices, the way I respect them for theirs.

We are who we are. I believe that everyone – yes, even vanilla people – have their own kinks. Maybe it will be better to channel our energy into accepting ourselves the way we are, rather than using the energy to be ashamed of ourselves. But that, I know, is easier said than done…

Have your own kink shames you want to talk about? Join the Fetlife group, Dealing with Kink Shame hosted by Emily.

© Rebel’s Notes

12 thoughts on “Pride & Shame

  1. Brilliant post. I am currently struggling with my own shame about being kinky and trying to find a way to accept my wants, needs and desires. It’s hard when society is so closed off about sex in many ways, but hopefully in time I will learn to completely accept myself as kinky.

  2. Great post and topic! I grew up in a very religious home with totally non-affectionate parents. So my view on sex was not very positive. Very confusing for me because I loved everything about it from the very first time. I’m just now really starting to embrace some things that I’ve knew I loved and wanted. Besides The Hubby, there are very few people who know my fantasies and kinks.

    • Isn’t it wonderful that you are coming to embrace the things you love and want? And that you can share that with your Hubby? I think it’s absolutely fantastic that you can as there are too many frustrated people out there who just never meet someone who gives them the room to just be themselves, kinks and all included.

  3. I think it is important we separate privacy and shame, just as you have done here. I do not talk to non kink people about my kinks because quite frankly it would be inappropriate, and break a very important line for me of respect. You do not involve others non consensually in your play, and telling the other Mums at the school gate that I had just been beaten and buggered would do just that.

    There were elements of humiliation in my training (which is not to say that my training is over) but they were, like Master T fingering your arse deliberately designed to get me to loose my sense of shame.
    It is hard for me now to see anything that the Domly one wants as humiliating or shaming, because the fact of him wanting it makes it pleasing and acceptable to me. This has made me comfortable with exhibiting my body and accepting praise for it. This was an enormous step for me, not to hide behind my hair, but to smile and say thank you. Oddly though one of the biggest changes has come in an unexpected area. The biggest shame I had was about my periods, it is a long story, but I was never comfortable with them, felt them to be something dirty that should be hidden. Then one day I came on whilst He was using me. I did not know what to expect but for him to simply get a tissue, wipe me clean and carry on was revelationay. It changed my attitudes and made me realize that if this body is His then nothing about it can be shaming.

    • This is so beautiful what you say here: “if this body is His then nothing about it can be shaming” and “This was an enormous step for me, not to hide behind my hair, but to smile and say thank you.”

      I really wish I could get to that point, where I can just accept that I am exactly the way He wants me, where I can feel proud of being exactly who He wsnts me to be and indeed stop hiding but just say thank you. Yes, I am still in training and I know this is one thing that Master T. is trying to teach me: to just be proud of who I am and do what He wants me to do.

      Thank you so much for your lovely comment!

      Rebel xox

  4. I used a rocking chair to masturbate. I used to rub myself against it while rocking. The genius part, from another room, it just looked like I was rocking in the chair. Of course, I never flat out masturbated when someone was in the same room, but I could get away with it with someone being in the house.

    Thank you for such an open post about your thoughts.

  5. Whoop whoop! I thought I was the only door-hanging masturbater in the world! Yesterday I also used a window frame, but I knew what I was doing then 😉

    I like your approach with using questions to ask yourself what you think. I might try that myself.

    It is so illogical what we find shame in. I am sure there are things you have never found shame in that I have, and likewise I have never felt any shame in anal sex. We confound our own logics when we feel shame. If I can remember that I might be able to overcome the feelings entirely.

    Sharing certainly helps, so thank you!

    • mmm I should definitely try to use a window frame or the edge of the door again 😉

      You are so right when you say we confound our own logics when we feel shame. It will be so much better if we just accept ourselves the way we are, including our kinks, and not be ashamed, right?

  6. Thanks for the link back and the mention. I am planning on writing a bit more about this subject and I hope the group on fetlife takes off. I think ‘kink shame’ is fairly more widely spread amongst people than we realise because shame nearly always silences someone and that very action just leaves them more isolated and likely to be stifled by the shame. The more we can encourage people to talk and show them acceptance the better. Open dialogue is like with so many things the key.

    Mollyxxx

    • I totally agree with you that open dialogue is very important. I too will write more on the subject in future. Maybe our posts will help to open up the dialogue, as will the group on Fetlife.

      Rebel xox

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