Last week Emily of I Like Chocolate, He Likes Vanilla posted a fantasy called The Punishment. This fantasy involved several things that could be hard limits to many people and Emily put a warning at the top of her post. I admit, when reading it, there were things in there that I definitely would never do (yes, hard limits) but the general idea of being humiliated and to submit definitely excited me.
As a reaction to the shame Emily felt for writing this fantasy, Molly of Mollysdailykiss wrote her an open letter, called No Shame. And as a reaction to that, Emily responded with her own open letter, Kink Shame.
As happens with many posts that I read, I questioned myself about the subject. This time, I questioned myself about shame. Do I feel ashamed of my kinks? A blog post started forming in my head, but as it happens some times, I have to swirl the thoughts around until they make proper sentences. I decided to combine these thoughts with a saved prompt from the Submissive guide:
You have the right to be proud of what you are. Being a submissive is nothing that should ever bring you shame or feelings of reproach. Your submissive nature is a gift and should always be a source of pride and happiness.
Am I proud of being a submissive? Yes, I am.
Do I talk about it openly? No, I don’t.
Would I want to talk about it openly? Yes, I would, but I also know that most of the people I would like to talk to it about, would disapprove of my lifestyle choice.
What would I do if those people find out about my lifestyle? I will ask them to respect me for my choices, the way I respect them for theirs.
These are all questions I asked myself. But of course, the posts of Emily and Molly were about shame. Shame about your own kinks. Have I ever felt shame about one of my kinks? Yes, I have. When I first discovered anal sex, I was very fixated on it and played whenever I could, but mostly when I was alone. Why alone? Indeed, because I was ashamed of my fixation on anal play. This shame was part of me for a very long time. In the first years of our relationship, we had periods where Master T. would frequently finger my ass to bring me to orgasm. After several times I would hint for Him to not concentrate on my ass anymore. Why? Because I was ashamed of enjoying it too much. And once my craving for anal stimulation was so intense, I started hinting at it again. I just could not be without it and gradually I accepted it, up to the point that I declared myself to be an anal slut. Master T. frequently calls me one, which has made this shame disappear entirely.
Do I have other kinks that I am ashamed of? In the beginning of this year I discovered that I like pain, to a certain extent. However, I have never been ashamed of this. It was such a nice discovery and it was made together with Master T. who I could see loved the fact that I enjoyed the pain that He was inflicting on me. I know, just like Molly, I have also asked myself whether something might be wrong with me, since I want Master T. to spank me or use the flogger/cane on me; I want Him to hurt me; I want to lay down at His feet and stay there all night; I want to wear His collar all the time, feeling His dominance and my submission. Certainly wanting all this must be wrong, but then again, if it makes me happy, how can it be wrong? I have never stopped to think about these questions too much, because Master T. enjoys this just as much as I do and if there is one completely sane person in my life, it is Him. Yes, with a twisted mind, but definitely sane.
Like Emily, I look back on my childhood and know that sex has interested me from a very young age. A huge smile covered my face when I read about her swinging off door handles and rubbing the edge between her legs. I did the same, as well as sitting in the window sill and pressing the cold iron of the window frame against my pussy. I never knew why I did it, but I definitely enjoyed the feeling. And just like Emily, I knew should not be caught! I loved to be touched and groped in my teenage years – the more the better. And once I started having sex, I wanted it all the time. There were times when I thought of myself as a terrible slut, because I had two sex partners in the same week. Actually, coming to think of it, this is another shame that Master T. has helped me with. Back in the time before we officially started our relationship, but we saw each other whenever it was possible and we had sex, I would come to Him after a date, wanting to be fucked because I was not yet satisfied. He never judged me for this. We loved each other from the word go, but neither of us was ready for a serious relationship. He set me free and all He wanted was for me to tell Him everything I did, even if it was about me having sex with another man. I shared everything with Him and He never disapproved of my actions.
I guess I can ask myself the same kind of questions about my kinks, than I asked myself about my submission:
Am I proud of my kinks? I guess I am. Maybe proud is the wrong word. I have accepted my kinks to be part of who I am.
Do I talk about my kinks openly? Definitely not!
Would I want to talk about it openly? I can talk about it to Master T., but I don’t think I would easily discuss it with someone else. Maybe I would discuss it face to face with someone who is willing to discuss their kinks openly too, but it would definitely depend on the situation.
What would I do if vanilla people or family members find out about my kinks? Exactly the same as I would do when they find out about my submission to Master T.: I will ask them to respect me for my choices, the way I respect them for theirs.
We are who we are. I believe that everyone – yes, even vanilla people – have their own kinks. Maybe it will be better to channel our energy into accepting ourselves the way we are, rather than using the energy to be ashamed of ourselves. But that, I know, is easier said than done…
Have your own kink shames you want to talk about? Join the Fetlife group, Dealing with Kink Shame hosted by Emily.
© Rebel’s Notes