To tell or not to tell

Some time ago I had a conversation with an acquaintance. It started out by talking about how people should stop judging others and just respect them for their choices in live. We spoke about how people like to talk about others, especially if those others do not live their lives according to the generally accepted rules of society.

I was surprised when this acquaintance started talking about relationships and what she said made me think that she wanted to tell me something. She laughed a lot, as if she was nervous, and said that if people have a different kind of relationship from what society dictates as normal, they are judged. This of course hit home for me, but I was careful not to just go ahead and tell her about the kind of relationship that my Husband and I have. I did not know whether she was on a fishing expedition and neither did I want her to stop talking. I was interested to hear what she had to say.

She added that she lives her life the way she wants and that she was pass the point where she cared about what others thought about her. I waited for more, but unfortunately, there was no more. Her remarks – which more or less came out of the blue – made me think she might be in a kinky relationship.

I don’t know why, but suddenly I had to think about Fifty Shades. I mentioned the book and that there is quite a lot of talk going around about it. She wanted to know what it was about and I told her – in headlines. I was a bit disappointed when she did not take the bait. I more or less expected her to suddenly confess that she was in a kinky relationship, but she did not. On the other hand, neither did I!

This conversation stayed in my head for weeks. What would you do, when you get in a conversation with someone who seems to be ready to tell you something confidential about themselves? Will you share something confidential first and see whether they do too? Will you ask probing questions, to see whether you can get more information from them and actually coach them into telling you? If they do confide in you, will you go ahead and confide in them too? Or does it depend on who the person is? If it is a colleague, will you want to share confident information? If it is someone you see once a week at the gym, will you want to confide in them?

I am quite intrigued by this. My best friend knows everything about me. I tell her absolutely everything and she loves to hear about it. She’s not in a kinky relationship, but my stories excite her a lot. At my work there is one colleague whom I’ve been working with for many years. She also knows a lot about my life, but I will never tell her about my kinky relationship. I know she will not judge; she’s just not that kind of person. Still there is just something that stops me from sharing with her anything about my relationship with my Husband. Oh, I joke about whips and spankings and ‘not being allowed’ but everyone always laughs about it. No one at work takes me serious when I say things like that!

Will I ever tell anyone other than my best friend about my D/s relationship with my Husband? I don’t think so, but never say never, right? Will I tell my family? Certainly not! How about if my family accidentally finds out about our D/s relationship? Of course I have thought about this. One can never know how you will react towards something until you are in the situation. That said, I think that if a family member confronts me with (for example) my blog, I will tell them that it’s my life, which I choose to live my own way. I respect them for their choices and I expect them to respect me for mine. I am doing no one harm, but happy with my life the way I live it.

And that brings me back to the beginning of this post: just respect others for who they are, for their choices, for their beliefs. If you want others to respect you and your choices, you have to do the same towards them, right?

Honestly, there are only two people in my life I trust fully. Two people who know absolutely everything about me. Two people who love and accept me for who I am. Two people I respect immensely for who they are and who I love deeply. Those two people are my Husband and my best friend, who frequently feature in my fantasies about being with a woman. She knows this, but both of us know that we will never be together in a sexual manner. There’s always room for more people to trust, but I guess trust has to be gained by getting to know each other, being there for each other and knowing that there is no judging. I know for sure that I would love a lady friend whom I can tell absolutely everything that I tell my best friend AND whom I can have sex with. That… yes that is something I would really like!

There a lot of questions in this post. I would love to hear how you would handle this. Or maybe you have already been in a situation where you told a family member or colleague about your kinky lifestyle? Or maybe someone confided in you? Someone you have not expected to be in a kinky relationship?

I look forward to read your comments…

© Rebel’s Notes

The prompt for this week’s Wicked Wednesday was:
to take someone into one’s confidence
Click the button to see who else is playing or to link your own post.

Wicked Wednesday

20 thoughts on “To tell or not to tell

  1. kinquie says:

    Interesting subject. What I maybe would have done was this. Say to the friend: ‘I’ve got the idea that you want to tell me something and that you hesitate in doing so. Feel absolutely free to tell me anything you like and know that I will never judge you or shame your trust.’ If she really wants to tell you something delicate than you have created an atmosphere in which she can feel safe. Still, it’s up to her of course, but you’ve done what you can do. And whether you should start with making ‘confessions’? As long as you have the slightest doubt about the other person’s intentions, I wouldn’t say a word.
    Unfortunately words can’t be un-said and confessions can’t be un-told.
    I have a nasty experience with this myself. A few yours ago I made a very dumb mistake. On my kinky weblog (not the one I have now) I wrote all kind of things about myself, bdsm, my lust for tv/cd etc. I made the very stupid mistake of mentioning a colleague of mine by name. Since the combination of her surname and Christian name was very, very rare, the item immediately popped up when she googled on her own name, as she frequently did. Thank god, I hadn’t written any insulting of harassing things about her: just that she was an nice and good looking person to work with. But the context in which this was written, caused a lot of fuss. And it ended up with me being forced by my employers to apologize to her in front of the complete office. A very humiliating experience, I can tell you and no fun at all. (if anyone who’s able to read Dutch is interested in the complete story about this, read it on my website: http://www.zwartenrood > echt gebeurd > diep vernederd).
    Have I learned from this: yes and no! Yes: I will never ever make that mistake again: mentioning people by name on my website. No: after long hesitation I published photos of myself, in my kinky outfit, fully recognizable, as well on my own website as on Fetlife. Not my name of course. Maybe dangerous, but what the hell: I’m proud of those pics and proud of who I and what I am. And if anyone ever again says to me: I loathe you and you’re disgusting, or – even worse – I’m disappointed in you and you make me sad, I will have only one answer: go to hell.
    And yes, I’ve told a few good friends and that was OK with them. They don’t reject it of me, but are not very interested either. And that is quite comfortable!

    • Thank you for your honesty and advice in this comment.

      It must have been a terrible experience to apologize to the colleague in front of her and the entire office! I can just imagine the humiliation that you have gone through. Ever from the beginning of my blog I have always made sure to protect everyone, including myself. I am a bit less careful with myself, since I have already posted lots of photos where I can be recognized either by my hair or my tattoos, but still I am careful. When I speak of others, I use pseudonyms for them even if I only know them by their pseudonyms.

      As for real life: I am getting bolder with that. I will not talk about my kinky side with everyone I come across, but if people ask me questions I answer them honestly. And I feel the same, if they feel disgusted by me or tell me they are disappointed in me, I will also tell them to go to hell. It does not make me less me when they know about my kinky side. I am still the same person. My kinkiness has been part of me even before they knew about it, so why judge me for it? I think as time passes I will grow more and more comfortable with the kinky person I really am and I will feel comfortable to help others to talk about their kinkiness too.

      Once again, thanks for your comment!

      Rebel xox

  2. Here’s what I find funny…I’ve had complete strangers sharing details with me. Once, a young woman put her hands on my neck to warm her hands and she suddenly apologized for that. She could not explain why she felt compelled to do that.

    I have told few people in my real life about my blog and I have told few bloggers who I really am. I don’t know what it is about me that makes people TALK to me, but I am okay with that.

    • It’s wonderful to know people confide in you easily. I’ve had that at times, that people tell me things and that I just do not know why they did.

      Funny thing that the woman warmed her hands in your neck 😉

  3. This is something that weighs heavily on our minds as well. We don’t share every detail of our lives with everyone we know, obviously. We wish we could talk openly, but the fact of the matter – or at least our very firmly-held belief – is that we will be judged by most of the people we know personally. Family and friends alike will feel that our sexual attitudes are politically incorrect and judge us for having them. That is not to say that EVERY friend and relative will adopt this outlook, but we think most would, or if they wouldn’t judge us internally they’d judge us outwardly, perhaps while wishing they could have the life we do. Therefore we’ve long wished society – certainly American society, anyway – was less repressive, less sex-negative, slower to pass judgment on that which does not fit into the tidy, easily-defined norm.

    We’ve written extensively in our blog about our feelings on this topic. We share some tidbits of our sex life with certain individuals who we feel we can trust, typically those who feel the same way. But discretion is vital to us, as we believe our financial livelihood would be threatened should word get out.

    • Isn’t it terrible to know that you cannot even begin to confide in anyone for fear of their judgement? I have said many times that as soon as people all over the world would stop to judge people and just accept and respect other people, there might be world peace. I know it sounds far-fetched, but I can dream, right. Bottom line is that I think respecting other people for the choices they make is a noble thing to do.

      I grew up in a very conservative country and if I have still lived there, might never have been as outgoing as I am now or even have thought about starting the kind of blog I have. But still, even living in a very liberal country as I do now, I do not talk about my blog and lifestyle openly, as there are just too many people who still feel they are allowed to judge.

      Luckily we have each other and our fellow bloggers with whom we can share our kink openly 😀

  4. Mia says:

    This is such a deep and interesting post I shall have to go away and think about it a while to really be able to digest and unravel it all. Like Molly it is something that I may well come back to in a post of my own at some point.

    The one thing that I would say is that, personally, there is no-one that knows about my kinky side at all (apart from my lovely man of course). We are very closed and secret about it and only the people that may have played along with us are any the wiser. We are VERY careful about who we share with and we take lots of precautions to ensure that friends and family do not find out what we do not want them to.

    My man has one person that he confides in who is a very long-standing friend and who is intensely jealous of my man having found a woman kinky enough to keep up with (or even exceed in some cases!) with him. However, there are even some things that we get up to that he would not tell his friend!!

    This is defintely something that has piqued my interest and that I may well wish to explore further…….

    ~Mia~ xx

    • I would love to read your post on this subject. As I said to Molly, I did not mean to get something started, but then again, I think we all have our thoughts on this subject.

      I am actually the only one who confides in others. My Husband does not do that. And yes, the only other one I confide in is my best friend and He does not mind it at all, especially not since she seems to get horny listening to my stories 😀

      Rebel xox

  5. I think I need to take all your questions and turn them into my own blog post on this subject. I have much thought and experience in this area. Probably the main one though is that my Mother found out about my blog and therefore the nature of our relationship. My relationship with my Mother was already tense and this has not helped but I have also learnt that acceptance is a wonderful and very liberating thing. Having people in my life who accept me for everything I am makes me very happy. The issues with my Mother are her issues to address, they make me sad and I hope one day she will be able to accept.

    Mollyxxx

    • Oh I think that is such a wonderful idea, to take the questions and write your own post about it. I did not mean to get something started, but this is an intriguing subject, don’t you think?

      I hope that one day indeed your Mom will accept that you make your own choices in life. My mom and my (grown) kids do not know about my way of living, but since my blog is out on the internet I know that there’s always a chance of them finding it. If they do and if they confront me about it, I will gently tell them that it really is my life and that I am hurting no one at all by living it my way. They can choose to accept it or not, but they should not judge me fore this as it has not changed my personality one bit and it has not taken away any attention or love from them. Deep down, I think they will all understand, but I will only know for sure at the moment that it indeed happens.

      I look forward to read your post on this 🙂

      Rebel xox

  6. Oddly I find the quieter I am the more people tell me. I have tried to find the confidence to share once, but it needs a level of trust that I struggle to find and i was mistaken, which makes me doubly cautious. But no. I cannot ever imagine myself sharing my thoughts with even my closest girlfriends. I am the listener. I like it that way.

    • It’s always good to have listeners too. I tend to be both – a talker and a listener. Many people confide in me, maybe because I never judge. I will never tell someone that they are doing something wrong, but respect them for their way of living. And over the years I have learned who I can trust… I have bumped my head many times before I came to that point.

      Rebel xox

  7. Twisted Angel says:

    My husband and I have been in an open marriage for several years. While we did take a break for an extended time we are now actively seeking the lifestyle again. When we first entered it I was amazed by the amount of individuals in our small town who were into it. Especially with the small town mentality of everyone knows everyone’s business. We were never into the night club or parties scene and our partners were all friends in our circle. My family never even knew until I told someone. Which was a huge mistake. It liked to killed my mom, who had some warped sex ideas anyway. I think part of the reason we are back to exploring is my mom recently passed, I had been her caretaker, so it opened up a door again to be freer, and not worry about upsetting her. But I do know I don’t tell anyone. We have our circle and a few new ones but they are the only ones who know.

    • I am so sorry to read that you have taken someone into your confidence and that it turned out to be a mistake.

      I hope you can get back into the lifestyle and that you can surround yourselves with lots of sexy people whom you can trust!

      Rebel xox

  8. KaziGrrl says:

    Trust is a huge element. I tend to compartmentalise my life… I don’t think there is a single person who knows everything about me.

    ~Kazi xxx

    • That is maybe the safest way to do it. I know I am very privileged to be able to tell my Husband EVERYTHING and to have a lady friend with whom I can do the same. I cherish this 🙂
      Rebel xox

  9. MargitaLily says:

    I can honestly say there is no one on this earth who knows everything about me.It would be great to have someone like that but somehow I don’t think it will ever happen. As for the asking the questins I don’t.I wait until the people ready to tell me themselves and I never judge.Who am I to tell people how to live their lives.Life is too short for that;_0

    • I am quite the same. I will drop hints and see if they take the bait, but asking questions is not something I would do. I always feel it is not my place to ask the questions. If people want to share something, they will share without me asking anything. Also, I never judge. Each of us choose to live our lives the way we want and who are we to judge another? We should just respect each other for the choices we make. I think you and I are very much on one line regarding this 🙂

  10. Because of the hints of a possibly fun topic I would have not been able to control my curiosity.
    I would have baited, shared bits, hinted, and questioned until satisfied that she had nothing of interest to me or until a good conversation was rolling.

    • Maybe if the car ride lasted just a bit longer, I might have gotten more out of her… and who knows, the opportunity might arise again 😉

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