Mindset

I am following quite a lot of erotic blogs and of some of them (unfortunately not all of them) I get emails to prompt me about new posts. I have specific days on which I read those posts and no, I do not always comment on them. I do when I can, though.

Sometimes there are words in the posts that echo my feelings or just make me want to say: “me too, me too”. One of those blog posts was Mindset of a Plugged Girl on the blog ‘Pieces of Jade’.

I quote from her post:

It wasn’t the number of hours I am required to wear it. I knew I’d make my four hours later tonight. It wasn’t that he made me put it back in, or had told me I had to wear it at work.

It was that I wanted to wear it. I wanted it in there, snug inside my body, reminding me of this game we are playing. Reminding me of him.

And:

But, because he wants me to, I want to. And… as I have started to wear it more often and to more places, I have come to feel… almost comforted by it, by the feel of the heavy steel, by knowing it’s there, for him, because I submit to him.

And:

But overriding those are simply… the knowledge of his Ownership of my body. Of these things that I allow him to do to me and that I do for him.

My submission to him.

These words totally reminded me of the feeling that I had back when Master T. put me through my anal training. It made me smile when I remembered it, but it also brought tears to my eyes.

It made me smile because I remember the glorious feeling of my submission to Him. The feeling that even though He was not touching me, His hands were on my body. He was with me, every moment of the day. Even when I was not wearing the plug, I could feel it in me. His mind controlled mine. I submitted my body and mind to Him.

Now, I know this sounds as if I am not submitting to Master T. anymore, but I assure you, I am. Our D/s relationship is still very much a fact. It’s just that ever since my getting ill earlier this year, things have been put on a back burner. Every now and then it ‘flares up’ again, only to die down to the point where it just not disappears again. Hence, the tears. I miss it. I want to feel my submission again, every day. I want to be tasked. I want Him to tell me to put my plug in, not only for one day, but for many consecutive days. I want Him to give me orders, to grab my hair and pull my head back while He viciously pinches my nipples. I want Him to push me to my knees and fuck me for His own satisfaction, not caring about mine. I want Him to spank me, to flog me, to cane me… to leave His marks on me. I want Him to claim me… to make me His sub… the sub He says and I know I still am!

I miss it, and it was this that brought tears to my eyes. I miss the physical aspects of it, but I also miss the total mindset. My mindset nowadays is all about how much I miss it, how much I crave it, yearn for it and too little about how much I belong to Him. I want my mindset to return to the point where I feel my submission every minute of the day. And I cannot do it alone. Master T. needs to set the pace. I know He is still careful with me, but I don’t want Him to be. And I know I should talk to Him about it, and I do, but when I do, the words come out all wrong or I sound bitchy when I don’t want to be. I just don’t know how to get across how much I need this, how incomplete I feel without my full submission to Him.

I don’t think I have realized just how much I am missing this until I have read the words in Jade’s post. Ever since the moment I read it, I daily feel tears stinging my eyes when I think about all I am crave for. I want to get back to our D/s relationship. Not for only a small part, but I want to get back to the level we were at before I got ill.

I feel sick without it.

I need it!

© Rebel’s Notes

5 thoughts on “Mindset

  1. I’m so honored that something I wrote inspired you to share your feelings this way. And I know *exactly* how you feel. I often struggle with this need, but not b/c of physical infirmity (altho that has been a factor at times) but b/c our relationship is *not* based on D/s as such, so for W, my need for *submission* (as opposed to bottoming/play/the physical side of BDSM) is not always something he understands. Or understood – after four years he has begun to understand this need in me, and how it gets fed, and how he can help feed it even when we aren’t “scening.”

    I have no doubt your Master understands your needs just as well, and I have a feeling, once he decides you are healthy and well again, you will find this space with him again.

    ~hugs~

    • Oh Master T. indeed understands my needs very well. I just have to be patient 🙂

      Happy to see that W. is beginning to understand your needs!

      Rebel xox

  2. Mia says:

    Well I think that you have constructed your feelings coherently and completely in this post – simply show it to Him (if you have not already) and let Him decided if you are ready and well enough to continue at the level you were before.

    If not, I am sure that He will tell you why it is not appropriate to be at that level right now and I suspect He will be able to work around what you are capable of and and the same time keep your need for submission satisfied.

    Remember you have said in the past that sometimes Master T knows you better than you know yourself.

    Respect his decision and know that is also part of your submission, as well as accepting that His decisions about what is and what is not right for you at any particular moment in time, well or not, is also part of that submission.

    I hope this helps some.

    ~Mia~ xx

    • I know He will read it. He reads all my posts and as I was writing this I knew He would read this too. Days before I wrote this post I have spoken to Him, tried to make my thoughts clear, but I had the feeling that I have failed. I was so wrong. The evening before this post appeared on my blog (I always schedule in advance and have quite a strict planning for my posts) it was clear that He definitely knows me better than I know myself.

      I know, His decision… yes, that is part of my submission too. I just wish that it was just as easy for me to say some things out loud than it is to write it in a blog post. I try, I really do, but I always feel that I do not get my point across.

      This has really helped – writing this post and reading your comment. Thanks hun!

      Rebel xox

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