Losing control

Following my post Mindset, there was another blog post that totally struck a chord with me when I read it. This time it was a post of @kissinbluekaren called Why I sub. She starts out the post saying:

What I really need is a good spanking.

This instantly peaked my interest. I could almost feel the flogger touching my ass.

Oh how I want a good spanking.

How I need one!

I quote from her post:

I need the white sharp pain right now. The bliss of space exploding over me as I get my punishment. This is what I really need. I feel I cannot truly relax until I get it. The pain allows me to refocus my energy. Being bound and helpless is a concrete thing I need to draw me back to center. I have never been so sure about something in my life. I need it. I need to be controlled and smacked. I need the pain. I need the pain from someone who dominates me in love and life. I need something I cannot get right now. I am aching for it.

In the post Mindset I said that I sometimes have difficulty to put things into words. Mostly this has to do with the spoken word. I can put my thoughts on paper and be very clear on how I feel and what I need. But even this is something I cannot always do. Sometimes I know that I am missing something but then I just don’t know what I long for. Yes, I miss the total mindset that I submit to Master T. But the words above had me thinking. There is more I need. More that I crave. I need to focus. I am out of touch with myself and I need to be brought back into touch with myself. Many times during the weeks that I was at home, not able to work, I wondered whether a spanking would help me focus again. Each and every time I have rejected the thought as stupid. The words above and below had me realize that my thoughts were not stupid at all.

Quote continued:

The real truth about submission is that it allows me the freedom to choose to loose control. I need that. Now that I know how good it can be for me, I crave it.

Funny how I have the feeling that I have lost control, but that I am at the same time craving the feeling to lose control. I feel out of touch with my submission and deep down I think pain will make me focus. I also know that I am going to hate the pain at the moment that I feel it, but that I will feel liberated after it. And I think it is because of what Karen said in this last quoted paragraph too… submission gives you the freedom to choose to loose control.

I want to hand all the control to Master T.

I want to loose control.

I want to be able to clear my mind, to focus on the pain and to feel focussed once the pain is gone.

I need Him to take control.

© Rebel’s Notes