Continued from… Day 2
How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive? How do you feel when you express your submission?
Two questions… Two questions which, in my opinion, both need to be answered.
How do you know you are submissive or have the potential to be submissive?
I think the feeling has always been there, has always been part of me. I think I have always ‘known’ but just never admitted it to myself.
As far back as I can remember I have been pushing myself to do things right, according to the rules of… my parents, school, church, society. Where many people think rules are there to be broken, I have always been the prim and proper girl who followed the rules. This made me successful in almost anything I did up to where I now have a management position and a quite high strung and responsible job. Almost anything I have put my mind to – whether it was a study or a hobby – I reached success.
Except for one thing… relationships.
I will not bore you with the details of my past relationships. I tended to fall in love with the wrong kind of men. In a way they were dominant yes, but never towards me. Either towards the kids (yes, in a bad way) or towards anyone else but me. In fact, whatever I wanted, I got. Whenever a decision had to be made, I had to do it. Whatever I decided, was okay. In the end I was unfulfilled, bored and fed up. About 95% of my relationships stranded because I had an unfulfilled feeling. I was missing a part of myself. Had you questioned me at the end of each of those relationships, I would not have been able to tell you what I had missed, why exactly I felt unfulfilled.
Now I know. I was tired of being in control. I was in control for the greater part of my life. Being a single parent for the bigger part of my children’s younger lives, I had to make all decisions, had to always be in charge. At my work I had to be in charge too. All I wanted to do was to let go, to have someone else take over the reigns and control me. But the men found it much easier to leave all decisions to me.
It was only when I met Master T. that I for the first time experienced another kind of relationship. And here I am not referring to our D/s relationship (yet). From day 1 our relationship has been one where we were each other’s equals on every level. We made decisions together. Okay, all of us know it’s not possible to run every decision by the other, but still things were discussed and when a decision was made without consulting the other first, He or I was pretty sure that the other would approve. And with certain things we have agreed that we would always check first before deciding.
The only place where I never made a decision, was in bed. Not because He did not allow me to or because He was ‘domming’ me, but because it is just not in me. It never was. If I was horny and He appeared not to be? I would hint at it, but never say it. And if nothing happened? I would go to sleep, still horny. If He was horny and I was not? I would go along in whatever He wanted… and enjoy it of course! I had always let Him take the lead and He had always read me like a book. From day 1 of our relationship.
Many of the things I know about myself today, He had seen in me when we were still dating. He allowed me to discover myself. Yes, He planted seeds and gently led me on my path of discovery, but please, for those who immediately might think I am submissive because my Husband expected me to be… NO! He never did this. But when I slowly discovered that there was a name for the feelings I had deep down, He did smile knowingly, because He had recognized it in me long before I was willing to.
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How do you feel when you express your submission?
Happy. Wanted. Content. It feels as if I have come home. It feels as if I have a place where I really belong. Where I can let go. Where I can just be myself. Doing what He expects of me, carrying out His orders, submitting myself to His will… This is what I want… this is who I am… this is who I want to be.
I need to feel my submission every day. A touch, a look, a word… that can be enough. My submission does not limit itself to ‘play sessions’. No, outside of the bedroom it sometimes only takes His touch, or the way He looks at me, or a certain word placed in a certain context to make me bow my head in submission, acknowledging my place. It makes me feel whole.
To be continued… Day 4
© Rebel’s Notes