Touch me, hurt me,
Love me, spank me,
Kiss me, gag me,
Lick me, fuck me,
Take control of me.
In the previous post I pondered about what I needed, what I felt I wanted. I have this craving in me for more and more. I want to feel more, want to submit more. I need it. I have received many sweet comments to that post, where people understood better what I wanted to say than I understood myself while writing that post.
Now, a week later, I understand some more…
You see, I have been home for several weeks now, not feeling well. My emotions are like a roller coaster: up and down. And I hate it. I hate what is happening to my body. But it is a process that I need to go through so I can be stronger on the other side of it. When I wrote the previous post about need I was in the midst of a low. I could not think straight. I could not put things in perspective. I tried to talk to Master T. but could not. I could not find the words. I could not form the sentences in my head. I knew what I felt and I knew what I needed to say, but I could not. Simply because my brain did not function the way it should. It had seemed to have shut down.
Then came the moment where I did find the words and managed to put them in the correct order to form a proper sentence. Only to be interrupted by family circumstances that needed both my and Master T.’s full attention. By the time the crisis was over, it was bedtime, we were tired and the words and sentences in my head were gone. This made me angry. Grumpy. Upset. Sad.
But the next day I could form the words even better than the evening before. I could see things clearer. I had everything in perspective. I realized that Master T. was concerned about me being ill. That my longing for more was not only that, but also a need to return to level that we had. Everything had stopped – more or less – because I was ill. And because it did, I started to worry about that too. I had these demons in my head telling me awful things and even though I knew that those demons were telling me lies, I had to cry. I felt sad. I felt down. I felt needy. And I did not know how to express it.
Until today. I told Master T. that I missed Him. He knew. And He also knew I need to submit myself, to give Him the control. But, in my current shaky emotional condition, He did not want to push me too far. My healing is more important to Him than taking control. This is the one thing that I understood the moment I could put everything into perspective. And I also realized, that while I was fighting myself for weeks now, I have stopped communicating with Master T. I have pushed everything away and all my energy were turned inward. No wonder He did not know how far He could push me. I sent off mixed signals – “yes I want to” and “please leave me alone” and eventually “I am angry because I need something, but you are leaving me alone”. I should have spoken to Him, should have told Him what I felt, even though the sentences would not form in my head. If I have started to talk to Him, He would have understood, because He mostly understands me with only a few words.
And then today, I saw this journal prompt from the Submissive Guide: “Discipline gives total freedom; it allows you to go beyond limitations, to break through boundaries and reach the highest goal.” ~ Chidvilasananda
I need the discipline to feel the freedom.
I need to be controlled to break through my boundaries.
I need His guidance to reach the highest goal.
© Rebel’s Notes