Sometimes I need to focus…
Sometimes I feel lost in myself…
Sometimes questions are needed…
To find the answers within.
Journal prompt from the Submissive Guide:
What do you need that you are not currently getting?
I am getting everything I need, but I want more.
I want to submit more. I want more tasks. I want more spankings. I want to feel pain every day. I want to… I want to… I want… I want, want, want!
Currently I am going through a restless period in my life and I have lots of time to think. I have come to notice that I feel off-balance when I do not ‘feel’ my submission. Yes, many aspects of my submission are present every day. I follow my standing orders and I know and feel that I am owned by Master T. But there is a need in me for more. I need to feel more of my submission every day.
How can I feel more of my submission? There are many physical ways, but I don’t think that those will satisfy this need in me? Master T. can give a spanking every night, but when the spanking stops, will my need be fulfilled? He can pinch my nipples every day, but does this mean that the longing in me will be stilled? He can give me multi-day tasks, which will keep me focused for those days, but what will happen when the tasks are done? Will I be satisfied or will the need be back in all it’s strength?
Why is the wanting in me so strong? Is this a phase I am going through? Will it disappear again? Or will the want grow stronger. Thoughts of submission are in my mind constantly. Mostly those thoughts have nothing to do with sex. When we watch television together, I have the urge to lie down at his feet, knowing that if I do, I will feel content. I cannot do it, because our family situation does not allow it. When we are having dinner, we sometimes look at each other and the unspoken words are clear: I belong to him. I see the claim in his eyes and I feel the surrender in my heart and soul. I cannot say the words I want to say, because we are not alone.
Putting this feeling and inexplicible longing that I have into words is difficult. Taking any kind of initiative, especially when it has to do with our intimate life, is something I hardly do. In that, I am truly submissive, waiting for whatever Master T. expects of me. I have spoken to Master T. about these feelings, but putting it into words is even more difficult than trying to write about them. I don’t know why I am feeling the way I am. I just want more, but if I have to define what ‘more’ is, I cannot. I am definitely not unhappy, but just feel restless inside. Maybe these feelings of restlessness are there because I am ready for ‘the next level’? Maybe I am offering more of my submission, offering to give up more control and I am restlessly waiting for Master T. to take it from me?
I am getting everything I need, but I want more…
© Rebel’s Notes