Apr 252012
 

Sometimes I need to focus…
Sometimes I feel lost in myself…
Sometimes questions are needed…
To find the answers within.


Journal prompt from the Submissive Guide:
What do you need that you are not currently getting?


I am getting everything I need, but I want more.

I want to submit more. I want more tasks. I want more spankings. I want to feel pain every day. I want to… I want to… I want… I want, want, want!

Currently I am going through a restless period in my life and I have lots of time to think. I have come to notice that I feel off-balance when I do not ‘feel’ my submission. Yes, many aspects of my submission are present every day. I follow my standing orders and I know and feel that I am owned by Master T. But there is a need in me for more. I need to feel more of my submission every day.

How can I feel more of my submission? There are many physical ways, but I don’t think that those will satisfy this need in me? Master T. can give a spanking every night, but when the spanking stops, will my need be fulfilled? He can pinch my nipples every day, but does this mean that the longing in me will be stilled? He can give me multi-day tasks, which will keep me focused for those days, but what will happen when the tasks are done? Will I be satisfied or will the need be back in all it’s strength?

Why is the wanting in me so strong? Is this a phase I am going through? Will it disappear again? Or will the want grow stronger. Thoughts of submission are in my mind constantly. Mostly those thoughts have nothing to do with sex. When we watch television together, I have the urge to lie down at his feet, knowing that if I do, I will feel content. I cannot do it, because our family situation does not allow it. When we are having dinner, we sometimes look at each other and the unspoken words are clear: I belong to him. I see the claim in his eyes and I feel the surrender in my heart and soul. I cannot say the words I want to say, because we are not alone.

Putting this feeling and inexplicible longing that I have into words is difficult. Taking any kind of initiative, especially when it has to do with our intimate life, is something I hardly do. In that, I am truly submissive, waiting for whatever Master T. expects of me. I have spoken to Master T. about these feelings, but putting it into words is even more difficult than trying to write about them. I don’t know why I am feeling the way I am. I just want more, but if I have to define what ‘more’ is, I cannot. I am definitely not unhappy, but just feel restless inside. Maybe these feelings of restlessness are there because I am ready for ‘the next level’? Maybe I am offering more of my submission, offering to give up more control and I am restlessly waiting for Master T. to take it from me?

I am getting everything I need, but I want more…

© Rebel’s Notes

Marie Rebelle
Marie Rebelle is an erotic author and the driving force behind Rebel's Notes. She is creator of the weekly meme, Wicked Wednesday and coordinator of a Dutch writers group. She lives in the Netherlands with her Husband and kids and besides being very busy with her website and writing stories, she has a fulltime job.
Marie Rebelle
Marie Rebelle

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  8 Responses to “What do you need that you are not currently getting?”

  1. Though I’m not submissive, I can relate to this somewhat. I’m happy, certainly from a sexual perspective, though I suppose there is a part of me that will always want more than he can or should truly have. I’m not necessarily talking about more people or even more experiences, but perhaps different types of experiences, risk-taking, etc. I’ve always prided myself on my ambition and my drive to push and challenge my own boundaries, and I suppose that’s the basis for my sexual drive.

    -Jack

    • I think you have touched something there indeed… I need to challenge my own boundaries. I don’t want to be on the safe side all the time, but try more. Submit more, feel more. I need to feed this feeling inside me, the feeing to be on my knees all the time, and then I do not mean literally.
      Thanks for your comment, Jack!

  2. I also get this. I am just now entering into the first phase of what could potentially be a great D/s relationship and I am finding myself wanting to submit more and more. Yours is on a great scale, but I completely understand. Thanks for sharing!

  3. I definitely get this. I am keenly feeling the separation between Sir and myself that impossible work schedules and family commitments have wrought and I ache to be able to express my submission to Him.

    ~Kazi xxx

  4. I sooooo get this. I can’t explain it either and I am certainly not unhappy, in fact quite the opposite and yet I live with this constant hunger gnawing away inside me. I could have written this, not exactly this mind you, but something so very similar. I get restless too, especially when I think about it all… I am so impatient. I want it all now, luckily he knows all this and chuckles when I start rambling of wish lists. I think we have a life time and then some of stuff to do, I just hope we get a bloody long lifetime to do them all in.

    Mollyxxx

    • I am definitely not unhappy either. It just seems like I want more and more, as if the hunger cannot be stilled.
      I am so happy to see that someone at leasts understood what I was trying to say. It was such a difficult post to write, but I needed to do it to be able to focus myself.
      Thanks for your sweet and understanding comment, Molly!
      Rebel xox

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