Some time ago I had an interesting conversation with an acquaintance that is very vanilla. Not only is she very vanilla, but she is totally opposed to sex. Her aversion to sex comes from being abused in an adult relationship and in her opinion all men are pigs. What happened to her is very sad and it only ended two years ago, after years of mental abuse. In fact she was used as his slave, but she never consented to it and neither did she know how to stop it. This went on until two years ago when she at last had the guts to stand up to him and stop his direct mental abuse. Then the indirect abuse started. She is a scarred woman who has lost all faith in men. It was clear to me that she’s still recovering from what happened. I sure hope that one day a man will come along and sweep her off her feet, dazzle her with love and show her how good and happy a healthy relationship can be. But before that can happen, she has to put behind her what had happened and understand that not all men are the same.
Since she opened up in our conversation, I told her a little bit more about myself. I told her that I write erotica, that I have a blog that is well visited and that I love writing about sexy things. I did not go into detail about it. From a previous conversation we had, she knows that I have been sexually abused as a child and also that I had one very bad relationship – bad in a sexual way. She was flabbergasted. How could I write about sex and enjoy writing about it after all that I have been through? In her opinion I should have the same aversion to sex as she has. I told her that I have a fantastic sex life – yet again I did not go into any details – and that I enjoy my writings. She did not understand. Over and over she said that she just does not understand it. There was no judgment from her side – she just could not grasp that sex could interest me in any way after experiencing the negative side of it.
I think it did her good to talk about what had happened to her. Very little people know about it. I could feel her pain while she told me. So many times while she was telling me what happened, she had her hands in front of her eyes, as if she tried to rub away the images she must still see in her mind’s eye. I thanked her for telling me, saying that her ‘secret’ is safe with me.
Very late the next day – I was already in bed, ready to go to sleep, I received a text message from her:
Why don’t you write a novel with lots of emotion and true love?
I did not reply to her until the next morning. Her question was repeated in my mind over and over again. I thought about my blog. I thought about the contents of my stories. I thought about the intention of my stories. My mind wandered to where most of my stories come from – from my relationship with my Husband. When I got to my work, the first thing I did was to reply to her text message:
There are a lot of emotions, love and romance in my stories, hun. I just go a bit further, writing about the sex too. Sex does not exclude emotions, love and romance and vice versa.
She never replied to my text message and whenever she makes remarks about my writing, her remarks have a positive sound to it. It is clear that she does not judge me and accepts me like I am. She sometimes even jokes about it and that makes me wonder if she is curious to know more, but that she does not dare to ask. I respect her very vanilla outlook on life and relationships and hope she heals and finds happiness. I have the feeling she respects me too, even if she might not like what I am doing.
Why is it that the one person who had a horrible sexual experience turns out not wanting to even mention the word sex, let alone do anything sexy and the other just go on with life and seem to become stronger and more knowledgeable of what she wants? Is this because of the individual characters or are some curve balls thrown to us by life just worse than others. Or might it be a combination of all of the above? No matter what the case is, I think there should always be mutual respect for each other and each other’s’ choices. No judging. Only respect. It’s just a pity that the balance mostly is that kinky people have respect for the ways vanilla people live their lives and that vice versa kinky people are sometimes seen as ‘freaks’. During the day you can come in contact with people who discussed a vanilla sex life and we accept that without judging them. If we talk about our kinky lifestyles, will people accept that without judging too?
Those are just some thoughts that went through my mind after the conversation with this vanilla lady. I did not ponder them much after that. Over the years I have come to accept that the rules of society dictate to us to hide our kinkiness…
© Rebel’s Notes