Vanilla thoughts

Some time ago I had an interesting conversation with an acquaintance that is very vanilla. Not only is she very vanilla, but she is totally opposed to sex. Her aversion to sex comes from being abused in an adult relationship and in her opinion all men are pigs. What happened to her is very sad and it only ended two years ago, after years of mental abuse. In fact she was used as his slave, but she never consented to it and neither did she know how to stop it. This went on until two years ago when she at last had the guts to stand up to him and stop his direct mental abuse. Then the indirect abuse started. She is a scarred woman who has lost all faith in men. It was clear to me that she’s still recovering from what happened. I sure hope that one day a man will come along and sweep her off her feet, dazzle her with love and show her how good and happy a healthy relationship can be. But before that can happen, she has to put behind her what had happened and understand that not all men are the same.

Since she opened up in our conversation, I told her a little bit more about myself. I told her that I write erotica, that I have a blog that is well visited and that I love writing about sexy things. I did not go into detail about it. From a previous conversation we had, she knows that I have been sexually abused as a child and also that I had one very bad relationship – bad in a sexual way. She was flabbergasted. How could I write about sex and enjoy writing about it after all that I have been through? In her opinion I should have the same aversion to sex as she has. I told her that I have a fantastic sex life – yet again I did not go into any details – and that I enjoy my writings. She did not understand. Over and over she said that she just does not understand it. There was no judgment from her side – she just could not grasp that sex could interest me in any way after experiencing the negative side of it.

I think it did her good to talk about what had happened to her. Very little people know about it. I could feel her pain while she told me. So many times while she was telling me what happened, she had her hands in front of her eyes, as if she tried to rub away the images she must still see in her mind’s eye. I thanked her for telling me, saying that her ‘secret’ is safe with me.

Very late the next day – I was already in bed, ready to go to sleep, I received a text message from her:

Why don’t you write a novel with lots of emotion and true love?

I did not reply to her until the next morning. Her question was repeated in my mind over and over again. I thought about my blog. I thought about the contents of my stories. I thought about the intention of my stories. My mind wandered to where most of my stories come from – from my relationship with my Husband. When I got to my work, the first thing I did was to reply to her text message:

There are a lot of emotions, love and romance in my stories, hun. I just go a bit further, writing about the sex too. Sex does not exclude emotions, love and romance and vice versa.

She never replied to my text message and whenever she makes remarks about my writing, her remarks have a positive sound to it. It is clear that she does not judge me and accepts me like I am. She sometimes even jokes about it and that makes me wonder if she is curious to know more, but that she does not dare to ask. I respect her very vanilla outlook on life and relationships and hope she heals and finds happiness. I have the feeling she respects me too, even if she might not like what I am doing.

Why is it that the one person who had a horrible sexual experience turns out not wanting to even mention the word sex, let alone do anything sexy and the other just go on with life and seem to become stronger and more knowledgeable of what she wants? Is this because of the individual characters or are some curve balls thrown to us by life just worse than others. Or might it be a combination of all of the above? No matter what the case is, I think there should always be mutual respect for each other and each other’s’ choices. No judging. Only respect. It’s just a pity that the balance mostly is that kinky people have respect for the ways vanilla people live their lives and that vice versa kinky people are sometimes seen as ‘freaks’. During the day you can come in contact with people who discussed a vanilla sex life and we accept that without judging them. If we talk about our kinky lifestyles, will people accept that without judging too?

Those are just some thoughts that went through my mind after the conversation with this vanilla lady. I did not ponder them much after that. Over the years I have come to accept that the rules of society dictate to us to hide our kinkiness…

© Rebel’s Notes

8 thoughts on “Vanilla thoughts

  1. This question, how one person can be put of sex for life, whilst another goes onto have a very happy and fulfilling sex life fascinates me too. I have experiences in my childhood too, ones I now simply see as being part of the web that makes me, me. However even whilst my behavior was more affected by what happened to me, I had terrible abandonment issues anger and self medicated with a variety of fun substances, I always loved sex. I always experimented and I was always, even thought I did not know the word, submissive.

    The conclusion I have reached is that I am just a sexual person, some people are not, they would, without negative experiences have enjoyed sex, but it would never have been that important to them. Part of my problem with some use of the word vanilla. (You don t do it here I may say) is that people seem to look down on those who do not wish to sexually explore. Its just another way of being, as normal as typing this before I head out to a greedy girls night.

    This is one of the problems of the child abuse recovery industry, they want to say we all feel/ react the same, in fact every human is a unique individual.

    • I cannot agree with you more: we are all unique individuals. We all react differently to the same situation. Where one will be scarred for life by childhood abuse, another can be almost untouched by it. For many years I was ashamed that I was not scarred by the sexual abuse when I was 9, but I just wasn’t. I have always liked sex. As long as I can remember.

      I too feel that whether a person is vanilla, or kinky, or homosexual or poly… all of them should be accepted and respected for their choices. Kinky people should not look down on vanilla and vice versa.

      Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment!

      Rebel xox

  2. I was in a horrible relationship, filled with verbal and physical abuse. I have a tic (twitch) now, esp if I feel nervous. Luckily, I realized it was just him not all men. He knew how submissive I am and used it and broke me for awhile. My heart breaks every time I hear about a woman who goes through any abuse. I hope she does move on and finds a man who will treat her like the queen she is. She is also very lucky to have you has a friend. I had none at the time. No one to talk to. It was a very unhealthy time. You never know you, your blog, might be what she needs. I hope she has healed a bit since you wrote this.

    • I wonder if she will ever heal. She is still very bitter and goes from having a very intense relationship with a man (jumping in the sack on the first date and making it all about sex) to totally being opposed to all me – all in one week. She knows about my blog, but I don’t think she will ever read it.

      Sorry to hear you had to go through such hard times!

      Rebel xox

  3. What a very interesting post.

    I agree with Mina, your friend has not yet been able to deal with the abuse she received or come to terms with it. Until she does sex will be a taboo area for her.

    You are so right Rebel about the acceptance and non-judgemental attitude of the kinky community towards the vanilla and that it does not always happen vice versa – shame but it is the way it is – I believe it comes down to social acceptance, vanilla is socially acceptable to the majority, but those of us in the more minority of kink (or are we really in the minority?) are seen as not as socially acceptable.

    Perception – now here an entire book could be written on the subject! What is perceived normal to one can be seen as totally abnormal to another with a completely different viewpoint and set of values, morals, upbringing etc etc.

    There are so many facets to life and so many experiences that shape our lives. A full and complex tapestry which is forever changing and challenging us in so many ways.

    I see many things in this post that provide interesting areas to ponder and consider.

    ~Mia~ xx

    • Your comment has sparked quite some ideas indeed and I hope that soon I might be able to put words to paper and share those ideas.
      Thanks for your comment, Mia!
      Rebel xox

  4. She hasn’t let go. She hasn’t sought out whatever help she needs to help move on from this horrible experience she had. She will never be able to embrace sex, until she starts working past her experiences. This is the ultimate experience. Most of us have all had terrible things happen to us in our past. I’ve had 2 abusive bf’s in my past. I’ve let that all go. She needs to find a way to do the same. It won’t be easy, but hopefully one day, she will.

    • Indeed, you are right. She has not let go. She is still hanging and almost clinging to the negativity of her past. Men are pigs, all men only want one thing… those are her favorite words. I hope that she will one day be able to work through all that has happened to her and truly find happiness.
      Thanks for your thoughtful comment!
      Rebel xox

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