Flaws

I was browsing the articles on EdenCafe when I came across two articles which instantly peaked my interest. EdenCafe is part of EdenFantasys, an online sex store where you can buy anything from sex toys, to beautiful lingerie and relaxing bath products. And anything in between, of course!

The first article that caught my attention is called ‘(Beauty) Seeing Beyond the Flaws‘ and it starts with the words ‘I am always amazed when my husband says he thinks I’m beautiful.’ These words are so true in my own situation that I could not stop reading until I have read the end of the article. In my opinion it’s a must read for any woman, especially those who had children or had surgery in the past.

I browsed on and then came across another article. Yes, this article also was about body image, but it was related to BDSM too. The title ‘The Body Beautiful and BDSM‘ already says a lot. It is about one’s opinion about one’s own body, not matching those that you see on different BDSM websites. Since some people feel that they do not have the ‘typical body image’ that they see on these BDSM websites, they are afraid to go out and be seen (half) naked at clubs or events. Then, once they dare to go out and join such an event, they realize that there are many other people like them too – all harboring some kind of imperfection. In fact, people looking like the models as shown on BDSM website, are definitely in the minority.

Now these two articles made me think about myself. I have written a post about my body before, in which I said that I am trying to accept my body the way it is, even though I have my weak moments. And I had quite some weak moments in the last weeks… So much so, that I have (and maybe still am) considered plastic surgery on my tummy. For the second time…

You see, other than the beautiful tattoos on my body, there are other markings too. My thighs (especially the front sides) have quite a lot of stretch marks, as have part of my stomach. Oh and, very faintly, I can see them on my breasts too. These are not only from pregnancies, but also from gaining and losing weight. The first time I ever gained weight was because of hormones that I had to use for a medical condition. To lose the weight I have gained, I started a diet. In hindsight I wish I had never done it. I gained, I lost, I gained, I lost. And so forth. It still is a constant fight! The stretch marks are part of me, part of the story of my life. I have accepted them.

What I have not really accepted (yet) is ‘The Scar’. The hormones had caused several growths and my uterus had to be removed because of it. After the surgery, I lost almost all the weight that I had gained while using the hormones – 20kg! After the weight loss, a huge flab of skin hung over the scar of the hysterectomy. Because of the growths in my uterus, I could not have a vaginal hysterectomy. It had to be done abdominally, so it left me with a scar – a small, thin line. To get rid of the flab of skin hanging over the scar, I consulted a plastic surgeon, who told me that he could help me. He did. He pulled the skin tight and removed the excess skin. I had a flat tummy again, but I was also left with an ugly scar. It’s not a nice thin line as the surgeon said it would be. The scar runs down from one hip bone to my pubic bone and then back up to the other hip bone, resembling the letter ‘W’. When I gained weight again, the skin ‘bubbled’ just above the scar. It’s not so much the entire scar that I loathe, but the part just above the / of the ‘W’. That’s where the skin ‘bubbles’ and where the scar is really ugly. I have tried to lose weight so many times, and every time I gain it back again, and some more.

I guess I will always feel self-conscious about the scar on my tummy. While writing this, I have considered posting a photo of my scar. It took me the better part of three hours (!!!) to decide on which photo I would post. And still I hope everyone who looks at the photo will have more interest for the vibrator or the hint of a piercing, than for anything else in the photo!

In the first article mentioned above, the lady said that her husband thinks she’s beautiful. My Husband thinks the same about me. He does not see my scar, neither does he see my stretch marks. I hate it when I see them on photos he has made. He does not see the scar or stretch marks – no, he sees his sexy wife (His words). He assures me that the scar is not as gross as I sometimes feel it is. He loves me just the way I am, which I really adore of Him. Still I warn everyone about the scar. If I know someone will see me naked for the first time in real life, I warn them. I warned my Husband before we had met for the first time and I did the same with my best friend when we went to the spa for the first time. Neither my Husband nor my best friend finds my scar as appalling as I do. As mentioned in the second article I know that not all people practicing BDSM are super models. And I bet there are many others with scars. Still I think I would be terrified in any BDSM or other sex setting until whoever is present other than my Husband, has put me at ease or shown me that my body is ‘acceptable’.

I am still playing with the idea of surgery, but I don’t think I will ever really pursue it. Inside I might always feel unsure, even though I deeply wish I could just accept myself – or rather, accept ‘The Scar’ – the same way my Husband accepts me (it) and the same way no one at the spa has looked at me (it) with disgust. I wish I could just feel really proud about every line on my body and accept it as part of me. Not only say that I accept it. I want to really feel the acception!

End note: Reading those two articles on EdenCafe sparked the idea for this post. However, it proved quite difficult and emotional to put my feelings about my scar into writing.

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