Losing my virginity

The above title caught my eye as I browsed through the articles on EdenCafe – which is part of EdenFantasys, an online sex toy store. I have browsed quite some items in the online store and made a wish list for items I would like to buy. But, the sex toys and lingerie on the site is not what this post is about.

Automatically when I see something about losing one’s virginity, my mind wanders back to when I lost mine. Many, many years ago – roundabout 30 years it is now – after school I met up with my boyfriend. It was the first serious boyfriend I had and I was very sure that our relationship would last forever. Just like most of the teenagers of all times, everything was felt in the superlative degree. Being in love intensified that. And whenever a relationship was over, the intense hurting felt by a teenager was so much worse than the hurt an adult felt when a relationship ended. That of course, was the point of view of a teenager. Other emotions were felt just as intensely as love and sadness.

Apart from the deep love I felt for my boyfriend and my intense belief that we would be together forever, I had this drive to be successful in both school and in my sport. I succeeded in both, up to this one year. I was off balance. Why? I just did not know. And somehow, I could not turn the imbalance around. In school my marks started to drop and in my sport I just could not seem to achieve what I had before. And hanging over my head like the sword of Damocles was the expectation of my parents that I should do well in school.

I panicked.

True to the way that teenagers think, I found an illogical solution to my problems. I decided that I wanted to have a baby.

Yes, a baby! That would solve everything. I would not have to be in school anymore. I would not have to continue with my school anymore. My parents would not be able to push me for good marks in school anymore. I would have a baby and I would have to give all my attention to him or her. Yes, this was the solution to my ‘problem’.

Needless to say, when I offered my boyfriend sex on a platter, he did not say no. I told him that I wanted a baby; that I wanted to leave school; that I wanted to marry him; that we would be the happiest family ever. Do not get me wrong – at the times that I said this, I seriously meant it. I believed that this is where my life should go and I was determined to make it work.

I met him at his house one afternoon after school. It was the day that we were going to do ‘it’. We could not stay in his room, as his mother was home, but we walked a couple of blocks to the house of his brother. He had the key and soon we found ourselves in one of the bedrooms. There – on the big bed – we started to fondle each other. Both of us were clumsy and shy. We kissed a lot. We hugged a lot. We did not look at each other when naked – or rather, I did not look at his naked body. He looked at mine, though. Except for the hugging and kissing, little was done about foreplay.

He soon rolled on top of me. I could feel his hard penis but I did not dare to look. He pushed against my opening, which was surprisingly wet and entered me. I have heard that it hurts to lose your virginity, but I felt nothing. I have also heard that it could bleed, so we were lying on a towel. Afterwards I checked, but I could not see any blood. Apparently I was one of the lucky ones, or I must have lost my virginity in a different way. Yes, I was a naughty girl!

I was not that lucky after all. After losing my virginity to my boyfriend, there was no way for us to come together again to continue ‘making a baby’. Oh, we did see each other and we talked about being together a lot, but we could not have sex at all, as we were rarely in a place where we could do it. A couple of weeks passed before we had sex again. I think in total we maybe had sex about four times. I never doubted my decision to have a baby, but little did I know that there was no way for me anymore to stop with that idiotic plan of mine.

I was pregnant.

The old wife’s tale about not being able to fall pregnant at first ever intercourse, proved not to be true. Statistics say that only 1 in 20 girls do get pregnant at first intercourse. Yay me! I was the one. I still remember how I felt when I sat in the office of a strange doctor – I could hardly go to our family doctor, right? – and he told me that I was pregnant. At that very moment I knew how very stupid I was. How could I ever have thought that a bad couple of weeks in school could be worse than having a baby when I myself was still a child?

After the couple of weeks of utter insanity, I suddenly became the responsible and determined teenager I was before that. Even though pregnant, I finished my school. Even though I had the option of putting my baby up for adoption, I did not. Even though I promised to marry him if ever I fell pregnant, I told my boyfriend that we should be sensible and not marry in the spur of the moment. I wanted to be sure that our relationship would be granted a future. I did not want to correct one wrong with another. It could have been beautiful, but I was four months pregnant when he disappeared.

I finished my school, I had my baby… and the rest is history.

Funny how reading an article on the site of a sex store can take you back so many years. Putting those memories to words in this post took a lot longer than the flash of memory in my mind – a flash that included all the feelings of love, sadness, fear and happiness I felt about 30 years ago! Thanks Roses and Thorns for taking me on this trip down memory lane.

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© Rebel’s Notes

4 thoughts on “Losing my virginity

  1. What a remarkable story! You perfectly captured teenage headspace and emotions. I remember those crazy thoughts well. Although the initial decisions getting you there were maybe not the best, you showed incredible bravery, maturity and strength in the end. My mother also conceived me her first time, on her “sweet 16” no less (if story holds true… the math does work out). Her biggest goal for me was to make it through high school without having a baby. That may sound sad to some, but I’m sure you understand where she was coming from. I’m now about to be 37 and proudly child-free. 🙂

    • Rebel says:

      Thank you for your kind comment. I think all teenage moms have high ideals for their children. Some follow the example of their parents, others are stronger. My child was strong and I am so proud!

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