Continued from A.S.S. Training 8
Just before I fell asleep the night before, I felt down. Emotional. I felt tears in my eyes and pushed them away. Even though Master T told me that He was happy with my progress, it was as if something was missing. Before I fell asleep I thought it was because He did not take me in His arms, but since I was snuggled up against Him, I told myself to stop being silly. I just pushed the thoughts away, pushed the word ‘subdrop’ away.
When I woke up in the morning I had a looming feeling over me, but I thought it might just be nervousness as I was going to meet someone from twitter that day. During the day my thoughts were occupied by the meeting. On my way back home my thoughts were still occupied by the meeting. On the couch that evening I felt the looming feeling again for the first time. Again the word ‘subdrop’ popped into mind, but I pushed it away. I don’t really like to put labels on anything. Least of all on myself, because I don’t want to make more of something than it might be. So I pushed hard – I did not want to think of subdropping.
During the evening we talked about the appointments I would have the next day.
“We can just go to sleep tonight,” Master T said. I just nodded, thinking about my reaction of a couple of nights before.
Two hours later, close to midnight and on our way to bed, Master T said that indeed we are going to sleep. No training. He added that there is no one that is pushing us for the training that we – He – determines what happens. This is true. In a way I was relieved that there would not be any training. I was tired.
Still I felt disappointment…
No, it was not disappointment that I felt. It was that looming, depressing feeling that took over. This time I could not stop it. My mood deteriorated rapidly. I fought the tears. Lying next to Him I tried my best to push the thoughts away, to just fall asleep the way the way I did the night before. I could not. This time I did not succeed. A couple of times He tried to get my attention, but I was distant in my replies. Master T knew exactly what was going on. I am sure of it. My distant replies must have confirmed that to Him. He moved next to me. I opened my eyes and saw Him opening His arms for me. My head rested on His shoulder… my tears silently rolling from my eyes… the depressed feeling slowly subsiding and allowing me to sleep.
The next day the feeling was still present, but it was much less.
(A day after I wrote the above, I found this post of one of my fellow subs.)
© Rebel’s Notes