At the beginning of a new year one tends to reflect on things in one’s life. Recently, at random moments, my mind wanders to the different contrasts that I have found in myself.
I see myself at work, dressed prim and proper according to the rules of society, wearing my high heels and having a professional attitude. At my work I am part of management, I run a department, discuss important things (or what people have labeled as important) in several meetings, make decisions, act on the decisions, tell other people why decisions they made are acceptable or not, delegate tasks to the people in my department … generally, I’m just being the boss.
I think about sex a lot. Yes, even when I am at my work! I think about things that happened or might happen in future. Walking in the passages at my work, feeling my hips sway and knowing that the high heels I am wearing really look sexy on me, I wonder whether the men (and women) around me can sense my sexuality and my sexual thoughts. I think some of them really sense it, but again, the rules of society prevents any of them to say anything about it.
Then I come home. At home I am a mom and a wife. I do what is expected of a mom and a wife and I do it with lots of love, laughter, enthusiasm and appreciation. Happy to have such wonderful kids; happy to have a wonderful husband, happy to just have happiness in our house every day.
But at home I am not only a mom and wife… I am also a sub, a slut, my Husband’s whore.
The cloak of management and the properness that society expects of me falls from my shoulders as soon as I am alone with my Husband. I feel humble in His presence and submit myself to His wishes. Even when I am not with Him – when he is at his work and I am at mine – I feel my submissiveness. I do not need my collar or my cuffs to remind me that I am His. In my mind, I am always wearing my collar and I feel the cuffs around my wrists. Sometimes, feeling this, imagining my collar and cuffs on my body and almost physically feeling them, I feel the wetness build between my legs. I like to be the slut and whore I am when I am with Him. I want to spread my legs wide and offer myself to Him. As easily as I can make decisions at my work and be the boss, I am also His sub, carrying out His orders and living according to His wishes.
I notice that there is an increasing hunger in me to feel my submissiveness on a daily basis. It happened a couple of times already that when I walk into our bedroom, I felt that I can best describe now as ‘subby’. It felt as if the cloak of management – of being in control – dropped off my shoulders and was replaced by His cloak – giving Him all control. Wanting Him to be in control. Wanting Him to control me. Yes, there are moments that it’s more difficult than others to just let go of the control, but we are working on that.
I love these contrasts in my life. It makes me think of an arc of different colors – the rainbow. The different roles in my are like the different colors of the rainbow. I love that I can be all of this – the prim and the proper – the sub and the slut. The mom and the daughter – the wife and the whore. There is love in all of these roles I play – love and happiness.
I am content.
© Rebel’s Notes
PS: This week’s prompt for Wank Wednesday was #arc.