Patience Training (3)

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I thought I knew what to expect. After two evenings of this training, I was ready for the third and I thought I would get through it rather easily. Of course I had no idea what to expect. Yes, I did. Partly. I knew that He would tie me up differently than the previous two nights. And I knew He would leave me alone for some time and come back later, wanting to know what my thoughts were while He was gone. And I also knew that I would feel irritated because I had to find the balance in the rope and that I would probably come to the conclusion again that I just have to submit myself to His will.

Perfection comes with repetition, right?

How wrong I was, thinking I knew what to expect.

“Tonight you will have to lie on your stomach,” He said when I entered the bedroom, “no excuses.”

I have to jump back to the first evening of my training. Before He told me to lie down on my back, He wanted me on my stomach and He asked me whether I was comfortable. I said no. I hate being on my stomach. This I did not tell him. He allowed me to lie on my back, telling me that soon He would not be this ‘soft’ anymore.

The tone in His voice when He ordered me to lie down on my stomach was one I did not wish to go against. I did as I was told. The rope – which was already on the bed when I walked into the room – was tied around my wrists, pulling my arms back. I tried to find a comfortable position for my face. I did. But only for a little while. I shifted my head, searching for comfort. In the meantime, He has pulled my legs up and tied my ankles together. To complete it, He tied my ankles and wrists together. I asked him to remove the pillow under my head. He did, supporting it against the headboard of the bed.

He left the room. I was alone. On the bed. Tied down. Left there to think. To wait. To learn patience. To learn to let go of control. To learn to subject myself fully to His will. To contemplate about my attitude during play or talk about our D/s relationship. To think about my own sassiness and when it’s not appropriate to be sassy.

None of these things were in my mind.

There was only one thing: a looming feeling of panic.

I concentrated on my breathing. Breathed in, breathed out. Concentrated. Pushed away the thoughts that are making me feel the panic.

What if I suffocate? I cannot breathe freely. I cannot even sleep on my stomach, let alone lie tied up like this. Breathe in, breathe out. Concentrate. Calm down.

What if He does not come back into the room? What if something happens to Him and He cannot untie me? Breathe in, breathe out. Concentrate. Calm down.

My breathing sounds labored. See, I cannot breathe! This is not good! Breathe in, breathe out. Concentrate. Calm down.

Will I be able to turn over on my back? No, I won’t. There’s no way. I am stuck in this position. Breathe in, breathe out. Concentrate. Calm down.

I want to turn on my back. I need to turn on my back. Breathe in, breathe out. Concentrate. Calm down.

Where is He? How much longer before He would be back? Breathe in, breathe out. Concentrate. Calm down.

I want to lie on my back!!! Breathe in, breathe out. Concentrate. Calm down.

I want to be untied!!! Breathe in, breathe out. Concentrate. Calm down.

Breathed in, breathed out. Concentrated. And felt relief when I heard the door and He entered the room again. I did not wait for Him to ask me what I was thinking about.

“I have a lot of difficulty to suppress my panic,” I said and I heard the quivering in my voice.
“But it seems as if you are succeeding,” He said.
“Barely,” I spoke again and tears rolled from my eyes. I still had to control my breathing, afraid that if I give in to the panic, that I might hurt myself. I wanted to kick. To wriggle. To try and turn on my back. But I breathed instead.
He sat down next to me, stroked my buttocks, slapped them, softly touched my pussy. This is not what I wanted! I wanted to be untied.
“Why did you panic?” He asked.
“Because I cannot lie on my stomach. I feel as if I will suffocate. I cannot sleep on my stomach. There’s a reason for that. There’s a reason why I don’t sleep facing you. My ‘breathing path’ should be unobstructed. It must have something to do with claustrophobia,” I tried to explain.
“Again you can be proud of yourself,” He spoke again, “even though you panicked; you succeeded in submitting yourself to my will and patiently waiting for it to be over.”
I nodded and inside my head I screamed: untie me. I was crying silently. Sniffling loudly. Scared of how long He was going to leave me there, tied up.

At least he is with me now, I thought and only seconds later He said: “Whenever I tie you up in this position again – yes, it will happen – I will stay in the room with you. I will not let you alone again.”

He slowly untied me. The moment my wrists were untied, I put them under me, supporting myself, giving myself the room to breathe. Tears still silently rolled from my eyes, down my cheeks. Fully untied, He took me in my arms. He told me how proud He was of me and in the same sentence warned me that things like this – things that make me feel panic – would happen again. But He also promised me that He would always stay with me when He knows a position might freak me out. That He would always be with me to protect me. He just held me, talking soothingly, kissing me and occasionally pinching my nipples real hard. My tears dried and I actually managed to fall asleep with my head on His shoulder, only to wake up a bit later to turn over on my side, my back turned to Him, my ‘breathing path’ free and unobstructed.

To be continued: Patience Training (4)

© Rebel’s Notes