I have grown up in a traditional family where the father and husband was the boss. Besides that, I have grown up with a narcist father. That left its mark on me.
In later life, one of my husbands was a real wuss. He always left all decisions to me, no matter how simple or complex they were. I hated this, but did not know why at the time. Back then I just knew that I did not like to be the one who made the decisions. In another relationship the man was very dominant. He took control of my life, my body and abused me. I left him because of it.
I have always been fascinated by BDSM, by the thought of someone else owning me. I always wanted “things done to me”. I had this urge to be controlled. I wanted to belong to someone. So why did I not like the abusive boyfriend? He did control my life; he “did things to me”. Still, I was not happy.
Then I met my current Husband. BDSM for us wasn’t a way of living from the beginning. We played some: bondage, clamps, candle wax – things like that. But it was only play and even though it was fun and erotic, it was still only play. I never knew that I was missing something until the evening that our conversations went on and on and on and I gave him the gift of my submission.
Only then did I know what I missed. I guess this for me is the main appeal of kink/BDSM to me is the same as what I felt I missed: the feeling of really belonging to someone, of being someone’s possession. I missed the feeling of him taking control of me, deciding what I may and may not do with my body.
I missed the feeling of being owned. I don’t miss it anymore…
(written on 20.08.2011)
© Rebel’s Notes