Ramblings about my submission

Let me ramble…

I’ve been sick. For a while now I’ve not been feeling well and it all seems to have something to do with stress. I never knew stress could make you feel that sick. I was not in the mood for anything at all, but even so, there were moments that I was horny. My husband allowed me to rest. He did not want to push me for anything, as he could see that I was not okay.

The irritation in me with not feeling well grew. So much so that at a stage I decided that it was time to ignore it. I felt guilty. Guilty because my being sick was preventing us from any kind of play. I knew I should not feel guilty, but that’s just the way I am: I did. Here I was, submitting to my husband, but to me it felt as if I was calling the shots. And that I don’t want. He knows me well enough to see exactly when he should let me rest and at that moment he was letting me rest too much. I told him so. I told him that I know he is my master, but I also want to feel it. And with this I did not mean physically feel it, but I want to mentally feel it.

Then came the evening when I had a ‘chat’ with a like-minded woman – bi-sexual, more or less the same age than I am, but as far as my knowledge goes, not a submissive. In the conversation we had I told her that I would never make the first move towards a woman, that I am submissive in sex. Seeing the words on my screen got me thinking. Yes indeed, I am submissive in sex. I have never made the first move in any sexual encounter. Yes, I may give of signals when I am in the mood, but I will never just say it or make the first move. And if the other person doesn’t pick up the signals, absolutely nothing will happen, no matter how horny I am. If ever I want to be with a woman again, she will have to make the first move. I have this friend and she knows that I would love to go to bed with her, but if she’s waiting for me to make the move… well; I guess that is just not going to happen.

Looking back on my life I now realize that I’ve always been like this – I have always been the ‘submissive’ but the first one I ever consciously submitted myself to is my husband. I’m learning more about my submissiveness daily. Or rather, the feelings that have been in me for quite some are starting to manifest themselves in conscious thoughts. I am allowing them to manifest. I am acknowledging the feelings, letting them out. Having my husband take the lead; him being my master; him being the one making the decisions, taking the lead, submitting me… it makes me… HAPPY!

Reading back what I wrote above, I realize that this really is a rambling post. I guess admitting to be submissive and letting go of the control is a process I am going through. A process in which I get to know that side of me that I have buried for so many years. Feeling the happiness it evokes in me sometimes just leaves me in awe.

Yes, this has been a rambling post… but I needed it 🙂

(Written 10.04.2011)

© Rebel’s Notes