First tears

BDSM emblem

One of my daily tasks is to offer my Husband my ass cheeks for a spanking. This always happens when we go to bed as that is the moment when there are no kids around anymore. There have been many talks between us – conversations, mails – about our D/s relationship. In our talks I have indicated what I would like in our D/s relationship and it included being treated hard. In our talks my Husband said that He would determine when I am ready for a next step. As you know from some of my previous blogs, I can be quite impatient.

This evening I came back from the bathroom – naked. I was very tired, but even then: my daily tasks will not be skipped. The bright ceiling light was on in the bedroom, not the small night light. On the bed was my collar and the flogger. I stood in front of Him, my back turned to Him, and held my hair up so He could put my collar around my neck. The flogger burnt on my ass quicker and much harder than I expected. Left. Right. Left. Right. It hurt so much. It burnt so much. I held my hands on my ass, trying to prevent the next sting of the flogger. He slapped my hand away from my ass. Left. Right. I twisted away from Him. Never before did it hurt so much. He was relentless.

I felt tears in my eyes. It surprised me. I felt the flogger on my ass cheeks again. Burning. It hurt. I wanted it to stop. It did. His hand on my clitoris, rubbing it, feeling the wetness between my legs. My knees buckled. He held his hand around my body, grabbing my tit, squeezing it, pinching my nipple hard. Again I twisted away from Him. The flogger on my ass again.

“It hurt so much,” I cried. Tears now streaming down my cheeks.

Again He put his arm around me, grabbing my nipple, pinching it, pulling my back against His chest.

“Who do you belong to?” He asked.
“I’m yours,” I answered.
“My slut,” He said. I nodded.
“Are you crying?” He asked. I did not want Him to worry about me. I was okay. I was tired. It hurt. But I was okay. I only nodded.
“Let me see,” he said.

I turned around, but did not make the mistake of looking at Him. I was still wearing my collar. He could see the tears. Softly He rubbed his thumb on my cheek, rubbing away some tears. He harshly turned me around again. The flogger touched my ass again – hard. Tears now streamed down my face. The flogging stopped. His hand was on my clitoris again.

“I can’t,” I said, “I just cannot.”
“Too tired, my love?” He asked as He turned me around towards him. I could only nod. I did not trust my voice. I wanted Him to continue. I wanted Him to stop. I think I wanted Him to stop more than I wanted Him to continue.

“You do understand that I am turning it up a notch?”
I nodded.
“This is what you want, right? This is what you need.”
I nodded again.
“You do understand that you will be punished for being too tired tonight?”
Yet again I nodded.

Later in bed, after my collar was removed, He wanted to know if I was okay. Yes, I am, I said. Again He said that He was going to be stricter. That He wanted me to be His perfect sub. And that He knew that it was what I want to. Yes, it was. I totally agreed. But, I said, from now on I will let you determine the pace at which we move forward. I won’t push and pull on to the next step anymore. At that moment I felt such an incredible rush of love for him. He ran his fingers up and down the side of my face, soothingly. I wanted nothing more than to just be with Him at that moment.

My tears of that evening surprised me. It surprised me in a positive way. I want to submit to Him even more. I want to wear the marks He makes on my body. But I don’t want Him to rush through anything anymore. Even though it was probably not the intention of my Husband, He did give me a very good lesson in patience that evening.

(written on 06.05.2011)

© Rebel’s Notes