Disappointment

There was this one day when my husband sent me an email, ordering me to wear my butt plug that evening. This was not the first time that I got this kind of order by, e-mail, but we had an appointment at one of our children’s schools and I wondered how I would ever be able to concentrate on the conversation. But, I was not about to go against his orders. And yes, I will admit: I like to follow his orders. It excites me too. And it makes me happy!

I’ve always felt intimidated by schools. The teachers seem to have an authority that even in my adult years have always made me feel like a child. But I have always had a rebellious streak and going to school, wearing a butt plug and feeling myself go totally wet? Well, that made me feel more rebellious than ever. As if wearing a butt plug will make the teachers seem to have less authority.

Then we had dinner. A quick dinner, as we had to go out. I must have eaten something wrong, because my tummy started aching. I had about half an hour left before I had to put the plug in when hubby told me not to do it. He did not want to aggravate anything that might be happening in my body. My health is more important than his wishes. Since in the weeks preceding this evening I had some health problems, at that very moment I knew that he was right. At that very moment I was thankful that I did not have to wear the butt plug.

Moments later the disappointment hit me. I was not able to fulfill my Husband’s wish. The feelings that washed over me were overwhelming. Disappointment. Failure. Sadness. I was overcome by tears. I did not want my Husband to see it and I knew I had to pull myself together before we left to go to school. I went upstairs and dabbed my tears. The rest of the evening I could not shake this feeling in me. Tears kept on welling up in my eyes.

What was happening to me? Where did these feelings come from? I have never had these before. I felt as if I have disappointed him. As if I have failed him. And it hurt. I could not help to wonder if I am just being silly, or if other women had these feelings too when they just discovered there submissive feelings? Or when they were in their first D/s relationship? We – my husband and I – have our own set of rules. Our D/s relationship is just that: OUR D/s relationship. OUR rules. OUR ways. Sometimes I giggle when he asks me to do something. Nervous giggles. And I hate myself for it. But on evenings like the one described above my feelings are so strong and I know, nervous giggles or no nervous giggles, I want to make him happy. And if he is happy, I am happy. I never want to disappoint him.

I had never thought that I could feel this strong about it.

(written on 21.03.2011)

© Rebel’s Notes